The subject is not new. Way back in 1970 the advice columnist Ann Landers made big waves with her open question to her readers: Parents (or, mainly mothers) if you had it to do all over again, would you choose to have a child (or children)? The waves came when about 70% of the respondents said no. But really, the fact that the question was asked openly was shocking enough.
This is where the Israeli researcher Orna Donath digs in with Regretting Motherhood: A Study. The book is not brand new (it was published in 2017, though I just ran across it in a library search) and focuses on research and subjects in Israel not America or worldwide. But the core points remain. The whole subject of regrets about becoming a parent - she writes about mothers and fathers both in another book but focuses on mothers here - remains taboo, and has become much more of a flash point in the political climate of 2024.
This isn't really a sociological or far less a statistical study; it is closer in approach to a Studs Terkel book, excerpts from interviews with some extensive commentary. Here she interviews mothers (all are or were from Israel) who said that, as Ann Landers posited, they wouldn't do it again, and regretted having become a mother.
Why then did they become mothers? The reasons were all over the place, but often relate to going with the flows: "These accounts indicate that it is not necessarily motherhood that is perceived as natural, but rather moving forward along life’s course."
It's an almost forbidden thing to say, and many of the women say as much. The subject of sharing their misgivings with their children is raised, and almost all said they hadn't and never would; a few said they did discuss it cautiously with them after their children were adults. Nearly all made a distinction, though: While they didn't want (at least retrospectively) motherhood, that doesn't mean they don't love their children. A few questioned whether they had been good mothers; most thought they were, their underlying attitudes notwithstanding.
But the sensitive question of a discussion with the kids was far from the only concern about discussing the topic openly. (All of the women here had pseudonyms). They often described the negative blowback that came from any reference to being less than a full-throated enthusiastic parent, and some examples of comments - as when someone wrote about the topic online - showed just how fierce that could be. Honesty in this area comes with a price.
That's not to say it shouldn't be discussed. Donath (who sometimes though not usually veers into the programmatic ideological) does not overreach in her argument to suggest what percentage of mothers may feel this way. Certainly many do not. And the voices of those who do, heard here, are widely varying, differing in their experiences in all sorts of ways. Their differences are variety of human experiences.
It's in hearing the stories that normally are never told, because of such powerful forces against, that create the value here. Especially, perhaps, in 2024.