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Dear Apple

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Apple Inc.,
c/o General Delivery
Cupertino, California

Dear Apple:

We have gone through our biennial wireless contract renewal with Verizon, and in process decided to upgrade our coal-powered 4s iPhones to the less-obsolete pellet-burning iPhone 6s. This we were able to accomplish without great expense by promising to consign our great-great-grandchildren to a Verizon contract.

Verizon’s service has been for the most part reliable, being the only cell-phone carrier to operate seamlessly during Hurricanes Katrina and Wilma in Florida and Louisiana, and during fire, flood, snow and heat in northern Idaho. “I can’t get a signal,” is a frequent whine of the urban-dwelling tourist visiting Wallace. “Here, use this. It even works at the back of the bar,” we say as we hand them ours.

We’re also umbilical-corded to Verizon by virtue of its virtual phone book. Who wants to hand-transfer 1,200 contacts to another carrier?

That said, the most disagreeable aspect of the “upgrade” is Apple, Inc.’s insistence that it redesign, for every iteration of the iPhone, the bloody charging jack. That $160 you’ve got invested in cords and wall and car chargers from the last time you bought a new phone? Worthless, all because of a two-bit jack.

Maybe Apple makes its trillions by engineering into its phones this no-backward-compatibility feature. There’s certainly precedent for it. Every time Apple does a major operating system upgrade, the iMac you’ve been happily using is rendered suddenly an unsupported boat-anchor.

There are five pin-outs on each end of a micro-USB cable. You only need two to charge the damn battery (plus and minus, just like a car), and those DC charging connections can carry a totally unrelated alternating current signal on top of the charging current. That leaves three pin-outs for whatever nefarious uses Cupertino has in mind.

C’mon guys, I know there’s been a drought down your way but torturing your international clientele with new incompatible connectors isn’t the way to make it rain.

Quit jacking us around.

Sincerely,
Bill Gates

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